Tutorial: Introduction to Zelphie.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Zell and Alan Smithee join forces to teach the rules to writing a Zelphie fic (with fic example!)


"Zelphie Fic....With Special Rule Checks!"  
  
WASSUP, my brothers? It's me, it's me, it's that D-I-N-C-H-T! As everyone knows, there's a set amount of rules for each style of fic. Since Selphie and Irvine are out, it's up to me to show the rules to make a Zelphie fic. That's the way on our stuff, we do the best fics and then teach you how to do them. Let's go to our style.  
  
(Zell walked over to a computer screen.)  
  
Before we start, here's how we're doing this. We've commissioned for this tutorial Alan Smithee, fanfic writer, International Man of Mystery, and surprise winner of an independent poll to determine "the real Slim Shady." What's going on?  
  
"...How come there's never been a weapon of mass destruction on a Wheaties box?"  
  
Um, wasn't O.J. Simpson on one? Anyway, Alan's going to bang off a quick Zelphie fic for us, while I comment on which rules he breaks or follows. Are you ready?  
  
"Ready as I'll ever be, Zell..."  
  
Well, get cracking!  
  
::It was a normal day at Garden. Zell Dincht...::  
  
HOLD UP, HOLD UP!   
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
You've just broken Rule number one of Zelphie fics! Selphie's supposed to be the first character introduced into the story, so that we can wait for whatever rotten thing Irvine just did to throw her into my arms!  
  
"okay, okay... Well, I'm writing...we'll see."  
  
::...walked over to the cafeteria, bought some hot dogs, and decided to head over to meet with his friends Irvine and Selphie. He finally saw them holding hands in some out of the way table...::  
  
IDIOT!  
  
"What now?"   
  
Rule number two: Irvine and Selphie cannot be happy at any point during the fic! Do you even READ Zelphie fics?  
  
"Well, no, that whole thing where they always SUCK ASS..."  
  
Geez, what's your problem...Go ahead...  
  
::"Zell! What's going on?" Irvine asked.  
"Not much, man. Why's Selphie so...grabby today?" Zell replied.  
"You know. We just watched 'Titanic'. I don't know why gals like that film so much, man..." Irvine replied.  
"Duh? It's so romantic! Jack and Rose's story is rightfully like one of those...play thingys by that Billy Shakespeare guy..." Selphie replied.  
"You see, that's what I don't get. Women see that as romantic? What is so romantic about what really comes across as a woman cheating on her man with some guy who, in all likeliness, she'd never even meet up with after the trip? Add to that the fact that they vilify her boyfriend for no better reason than he's not Leonardo DiCaprio and actually doesn't want his girlfriend to leave him for some one-night fling, showing he probably actually CARED about her..."Zell replied.::  
  
ARE YOU INSANE?  
  
"What now?"  
  
You've just alienated all fans of Zelphie fics in that one spiel! Don't you know anything? The main rule about all Zelphie fics are that Selphie's not evil because she's sleeping with her boyfriend's close friend behind his back, I'm not evil because I'm macking on my friend's girlfriend, but Irvine's an evil, evil bastard because he *gasp* loves Selphie and stands between the two! You have to know the "Titanic mentality" before you write a Zelphie!  
  
"Geez....What next?"  
  
Geez...hynedamn temperamental writers...Go on...  
  
::"Hey, I don't care man. Watching that movie makes women like to meet up with L'il Exeter, so you have to figure..."  
"Irvine, can we go find the nearest car again?" Selphie asked.  
"Oh, all right..." Irvine and Selphie headed out.  
  
ZELL.  
  
Ah, great. There she goes...the angel and the Idiotic punk-ass wanna-be pimp. Why didn't I say anything? I mean, I was at the SeeD test, I had like three or four days on the guy. I could have easily gotten with her before then...I'M SO FUCKING STUPID! WHAT WAS KEEPING ME? I MEAN, I MEET UP WITH THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS, AND I JUST DO NOTHING! That's probably why I couldn't. It's probably why I can't now. I'd be such an asshole if I told her now...ruin my friendship with Irvine, possibly ruin it with Selphie...::  
  
"What now?"  
  
RULE FOUR: FRIENDSHIPS DON'T MEAN A THING IN ZELPHIE FICS. Having me be a stand-up guy is verboten. I can't be introspective, Selphie can't show any amount of caring about Irvine, Irvine can't show any decency...  
  
"So how do I write you in this?"  
  
Basically...like Irvine, only shorter.  
  
::How do I do this? I can't tell my feelings...How do I tell them that ever since I met them, I've always wanted to get into a three-way, kissing every inch of Selphie's beautiful body while Irvine rams every inch of his man-meat into my...::  
  
WHAT-DID-YOU-JUST-WRITE-ABOUT-ME?  
  
"Next time, REMEMBER. I write the story, I'M in the driver's seat. I'll take that part out now, but think about that..."  
  
::I can't take this...I need to go someplace to think about these things...Who do I know that has absolutely nothing to do at the time? Can't tell my mother, she'd be all 'Ooh...Zelly's got a GIRLFRIEND...' on me...Ah...I know who..."  
  
REGULAR.  
  
"ZELL? What are you doing here?"  
"Um, is your son home?" Zell asked.  
"Sure. RASCAL! Zell's here! Remember, It's okay to say 'NO!'" In an instant, the Big Bad Rascal went over to Zell.  
"Zell! What's your bisness?"  
"Well, little guy, I don't know where else to turn to. I like this one girl, but she's with this guy who is basically...not me...::  
  
NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT!  
  
"What?"  
  
That's RULE NUMBER ONE of Zelphie fics: The only bad thing about Irvine is that he is not Zell. If you make that the focal point of your fic, you'll do well. Go ahead...  
  
::"Oh, just do what I do. Just go around, pull her hair, stuff like that. It's the least complicated way to show girls you like them..." The Big Bad Rascal replied.  
"Thanks, little guy!" Zell patted the Big Bad Rascal's head and ran back to Garden.  
  
IRVINE/SELPHIE.  
  
"That was great..." Selphie said.  
"Yeah...you know it..." Irvine replied.  
"Was it...just like the movie?" Selphie asked.  
"I...assume so..." Irvine replied.  
"Assume? Didn't you watch it? I've seen it like...a hundred times..."  
"Eh, it's not a multiple view movie."  
"Well, did you like any one character?" Selphie asked. Irvine started to think. "Um...that killer dude with the ax..."  
"Who?"  
"Oh. Sometimes when I get really bored with a movie I make up my own plots, characters, that stuff..."  
"You didn't really see Titanic?" Selphie raged.  
"Um, it's not my kind of movie..."  
"Well, I'm surprised. I've seen your collection, nothing but pornography..."  
"Hey, don't knock porno! It has better acting and plotlines than Titanic ever did!" Irvine said.  
"Oh...that is it...Titanic was a triumph of the human spirit...GO." Selphie replied.::  
  
OHHH YEAH! YOU'RE IN THE ZONE!  
  
"Bih?"  
  
You just nailed the Second main rule of a "COMPLETELY POINTLESS IDEA THAT ONLY SERVES TO BREAK UP IRVINE AND SELPHIE", which also allows "COMPLETELY INANE PLOTHOLE THAT GETS ZELL AND SELPHIE TOGETHER"...you're so money right now! Almost made up for breaking the rule: "Only Zell, Irvine and Selphie can appear in a Zelphie fic."  
  
:: "What? You're breaking up with me because I didn't like Titanic?" Irvine asked.  
"GO. You're dead to me." Selphie replied.  
"Okay. If that's the way you're playing it, I'll go with it. I just want my dignity." Irvine started off. "Um, give me back my pants." Irvine put his pants on and left. Selphie quickly threw her outfit on and ran away crying.  
  
"Doop de doo...Selphie's right there...do what the Rascal told me... Aim..." Selphie was horrified to find a large ball of mud whizz past her head, hitting the Jogging Man square in the head. "WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? WHO DID THIS?" Selphie asked.  
"AW, DAMMIT!" Zell came out of the trench. "I meant to hit you!"  
"What for? Did Irvine tell you already?" Selphie asked.  
"Um, about what?"  
"That...that...JERK DIDN'T LIKE TITANIC!"  
"I see..."  
"Well, why did you aim for me anyway?"  
"Well, I was talking to someone...and they said to try and throw a ball of mud at you..."  
"That Rascal kid told you that being mean to girls makes them like you, didn't he?"  
"Why would you think that?" Zell asked.  
"Irvine showed me he cared about me by bringing me to the training center and fixing it so that a T-Rexaur knocked me out. Rather sweet, actually..." Selphie replied.  
"Well, aw, yeah, I'm crazy about you! I tried to say stuff, but it never seemed like the right time, and by the time I realized I like- liked you, you were with Irvine..." Zell replied.  
"Aw, Zell...Do you like Titanic?"  
"I'll probably enjoy it more with you..." Zell replied. The two walked back to Selphie's dorm, where Irvine was perched in his birthday suit.  
"ALL RIGHT, SELPHIE. I'M SORRY. I AM GOING TO STAND HERE AT YOUR DOOR NUDE UNTIL YOU AGREE TO MAKE AMENDS...I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE..."  
"Hi, Irvine."  
"Sefie...I'm sorry. Take me back...please..."  
"Sorry...me and Zell are going to watch a little movie..."  
"ZELL? Where is he?"  
"What's up, man?" Zell asked.  
"Let me explain one thing to you, 'CHICKEN-WUSS.' You've broken every aspect of the Guy Code by swooping in on Sefie this early in the time period. As a result, I have to warn you: the guy code is no longer in effect between us. Quite simply, you'd better be with her until death do you part, because if you aren't, I'll put the moves on every woman you even take a second fleeting glance at until that glorious day that she's with me again. You've been warned." Irvine said as he ran back to his dorm.::  
  
WHAT DID YOU DO THERE?  
  
"What now?"  
  
Final rule: IRVINE ALWAYS LEAVES GARDEN AFTER THE STORY. That way, people can assume Zell and Selphie get married and live happily ever after, completely Irvine-free! He doesn't stay at Garden, and he CERTAINLY doesn't still attempt to get Selphie back! Are you insane?  
  
"Look. you said to write a Zelphie like I'd write a Zelphie..."  
  
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TYPICAL, BAD ZELPHIE WRITER!  
  
"Oh, it's Go time, motherfucker. You want some? Bring it..."  
  
Hell, why go now? Let's save it for PPV...  
  
"I'm cool with that. When it comes to the PPV, A.Smit-hee is the RVD of the FF.Net..."  
  
(To be continued?) 


End file.
